My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
You Might Also Like
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna