You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
You Might Also Like
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
man i love columbo
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.