My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*