i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.