[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.