Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Time for evil
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You can’t outrun your problems…
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.