I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Hell yeah 👍
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Good point.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?