20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I have never related to a cat more
shampoo implies shampee
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”