Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Yup!
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
According to math, I’m broke
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.