the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos