APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
it is time once again
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.