Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.