Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.