Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Finished stitching this today 😇
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.