Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.