Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision