While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This forever.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
who wore it better?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.