My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I think the cat got the dog high.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
buys donuts instead