They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Woke up against my better judgment again
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
new shirt idea
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses