One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes