Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
? 💀
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.