I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.