ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
You Might Also Like
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used