Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
getting groceries
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
A little too much information.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill