When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.