In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.