ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
12653.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019