At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I am, perchance
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sunday
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15