Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
how high up are we talkin’?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here