Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
listen closely
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him