The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.