but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.