[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.