Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The Weeknd is back
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.