I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I drew y’all a little something.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The Sun’s probably Asian.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?