Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!