Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My favorite farside!!
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…