Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal