I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.