We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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Just why bro?!
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
as is their right
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.