They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.