This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Truth. 😆😭😮💨