When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I can’t stop watching this.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now