Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
fourth time’s the charm
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
the composer
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*puts cutlery down*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
it was love at first sight
How did we not see this back then?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.