My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.