I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.