making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m putting together a team
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
True.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.