wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️