Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
🤯🤯🤯
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Never mess with a drunken pig.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.