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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.